You know what is not funny?

When girls change their relationship status on Facebook to say they are in a relationship with another girl. It is not clever or original, everyone is doing it. It was never even mildly funny. Hacks. 

Smart Guy: Strangers on the Net

In today's day and age, filled with 90% reality shows on television it is hard to believe a show like "Smart Guy" ever existed. In the 90's there was a long line of family oriented cheese ball sitcoms, that were absolutely awful but beloved at the same time. Every episode I have ever seen of "Smart  Guy" was absolutely pitiful. The idea of a genius kid put into wacky situations is so awful that while reading synopsis' of the show I was laughing just based on how bad the write ups were, and possibly I can get a hold of some Smart Guy DVDs to make this an ongoing theme on my blog. 

However, I was looking for one episode in particular. "Strangers on the Net," because it is in my opinion the only legitimately funny episode of "Smart Guy" that exists. Every family sitcom in the 90's had at least one "very special episode" that is supposed to have a profound impact on your life and teach a lesson. "Strangers on the Net" is that episode for "Smart Guy." 

With the Internet gaining popularity in 1997, this episode of "Smart Guy" was supposed to make us aware of the dangers of children surfing the net. Smart Guy himself T.J. begins pirating games from a friend he met online in an Internet chat room. T.J. is really enjoying the games, and his friend tells him that he has a new great game, but unfortunately they have to meet in person to make the exchange. T.J. thinks nothing of it, and goes with his best girl friend (whose name escapes me) to the guys house to pick the game up. They get there, and to T.J.'s surprise, his online friend is a middle aged man. Yes, this storyline is as amazing as it sounds. 

So T.J. is a little thrown off and weirded out, but his new friend assures him he is cool and to come in for some milk and cookies and to play some games. T.J. who is supposedly a genius goes into the apartment with his friend to engage in some cookie and milk action, amongst other things. Things are going great, free cookies, free milk, free games, and best of all his new friend is a video game developer and wants T.J. and his friend to be in the game. How awesome! 

The game is a surfing game, and T.J. and his friend get on surf boards in front of a green screen. Things are going great, T.J.'s new friend is digging the new footage, and can't wait to feature them in his new blockbuster hit! We all know how popular surfing games were in 1997! There is only one problem, who the hell surfs with their shirts on!! T.J.'s new friend tells T.J. and his friend that things are looking great, but they are going to have to show a little skin to get the authenticity of surfing going. T.J. and his friend are really weirded out about this because they are stick n' the muds so they tell their new friend they don't think it is a good idea. However, Mr. I have an answer for everything, saw this one coming. Their new friend said, hey wait up guys, a lot of kids felt like you guys do right now, check out my sweet photo album of kids I have cast in games! So he pulls the album out, and T.J., the genius he is, points out that his new friend told them they were going to be the first real people to star in his games. 

This prompts T.J. and his friend to run out of the apartment, and then go tattle like little babies to T.J.'s dad. The video game buff is then arrested for inappropriate behavior with minors. As far as I can tell there are a few lessons to be learned here: 

-T.J. is actually pretty dumb.

-T.J. is a world classes tattler.

-Child molesters are extremely easy to evade. 

-Creepy guys like this are awful in real life, but hilarious on terrible family TV shows. 

Anyway, obviously child molestation is a very serious issue, but family sitcoms probably shouldn't try to tackle serious issues. However, on the other hand if every "Smart Guy" tried to tackle some serious real life issue, it probably would have been the greatest show ever. 

Ear bud problems?

Is it just me, or does everyone have a problem with ear buds and headphones? It seems like after a few good months of working well, my ear buds always just stop working because of some internal problem. Am I alone here or does anyone else know what I am talking about? I can bend the wire inside and then it starts to work, but otherwise either no sound comes out or sometimes only one ear works. If this happens to other people, why does no one talk about it? I just got a nice pair of "Skull Candy" headphones from my brother, and they are real good so far. Hope the same thing doesn't happen to these. If this happens to everyone else, pipe up! Our voice needs to heard, stop your shoddy craftsmanship headphone companies. 

Quiznos Free Sub Giveway Warning

According to this picture, if you sign up for a free sub at Quiznos it makes you dance like an asshole . What on earth is that lady doing? Also why does she need to wear a chef jacket and slacks to make sandwiches? 

Is there a Yankees blog?

I want to start this out by being a little cheesy. Besides my friends blogs, Matt Cerrone of www.metsblog.com is what made me want to start blogging. Matt Cerrone success means to me that if you are interesting and write on the internet, there is a small chance that you can attract a strong audience. Matt Cerrone started as an independant blog, and is now a very significant part of Mets culture. Enough of being a kiss ass though. What I find especially odd is that I do not think there is a Yankees equivalent to Mets blog. There are seemingly so many more Yankees fans than Mets fans, why is there no major blog. There is no way I could get my Mets information from Mets.com or ESPN.com. Metsblog is so much more inside than any other source could be. What up Yankees fans? Someone out there jump on this, you can become famous. 

Hot new logo

I want to point out my hot new banner created by my good friend Brian "The Total Package". 

http://thetotalpackage.tumblr.com/

Adventures of NYSC part whatever of whatever

I have been meaning to revisit my New York Sports Club series of blogs, but my mind is always all over the place so I forgot. However, today something bizarre happened so I figured I'd blog about it before I forget. Should be quick because there isn't much to say. So I went to the gym today, and when I was done with my workout there was a guy sitting on the bench that looked like Danny Glover, but homeless. He had his head down, and I figured he must have had a hard workout and he was just tired. So I take a 15 minute shower, and come out, and this weirdo is still sitting there. Then I notice he wasn't tired, but praying, and I look to his right, and he has a 2 Liter bottle of Grape Soda next to him with no label. I wonder if they are just allowing homeless people to hang out there now? Also, Grape Soda?? The New York Post political comic dude couldn't have drawn a better racial stereotype. 

Who Wants to Be a Millionaire idiots

Thanks to Charlie for showing me this. 

Anyone know where I can get a pair of these Puma Dics?

Shoe companies are too safe these days. Remember back when Sneaker companies took risks like this? I yearn for the days where Kid 'N Play ruled the world, and a game of street ball could cause seisures? *sigh* 

Edit 11:33AM: Apparently those are from 2008, so I may be in luck. 

Ethics in sports?

The issue of ethics in sports has always baffled me. When I think of ethical positions in the world, I think of doctors and politicians for starters. We rely on doctors and politicians to ensure we maintain a high quality of life, and if that is compromised it will be extremely detrimental to society. What is not high on my list of professions that require high moral fiber is professional athlete. However, judging by the media and water cooler talk, you would think that to be a professional athlete , it requires the utmost ethical integrity. Why? I am not completely sure, but I believe it is mostly the fault of the media. If you take just a minute to logically think about the importance of professional sports realistically, you have to admitt that in the grand scheme of things pro sports are highly unimportant, and definitely not an ethically driven field. However we are obsessed with being entertained, and the media knows this.  

The media knows that people love sports, and the media knows what makes a good story. We are supposed to sit around and believe that the media is appauled at Arod. The truth of the matter is that the media loves Arod. They love that Arod buckles under the pressure, and they love that Arod did steroids. If Arod doesn't do steroids, there is no story. If Arod succeeds there is no story. Arod is supposedly a hated figure, but this isn't true, he is beloved by the media, because they know there will always be a story there. 

The media counts on the stupidity of the human race. They count on the fact that whatever they say people will eat it up. For the mosty part I think they may be right. Even though people love to see homeruns, most people would call Arod or Bonds a cheater. The media plants the idea in our head that this debate is of the utmost importance. You look at the front page of the paper, and there is Arod. Is he a cheater? Afraud? Day after day, it is right there on newstands, and people debate it at work and in their homes. Even congress reads these headlines, and wastes hours of important legislation on whether or not baseball players should be punished. This is what our country has become. We have estabilshed a culture of dumb people who let the media do our thinking for us. 

Arod is the poster child for bad ethics, while everyone's retirement funds were stolen by scummy traders. We debate whether Barry Bonds and Arod should be in the hall of fame, while politicians are accepting bribes and giving raises to their friends while our country becomes broke. We struggle to pay our bills, while Obama hires politicans who owe back taxes. It is ok though, the media tells us that ethics in baseball are more important. Well I appreciate their opinion, but I refuse to believe it is important. I can care less if a guy took drugs to play a game better. Let's leave Arod alone and think for ourselves. 

 

Chilling 9-1-1 Chimp Call`

This actually really disturbed me. How awful. I am pretty sure I would rather die than live through a chimp eating my face.

Furries

I was searching weird fetishes a few weeks ago when I was bored, and came across an old favorite. Furries. I really don't have anything else to say about it, this is just an excuse to post the picture on the article I read (http://pressedfur.coolfreepages.com/press/vanityfair/). For those that know me, doesn't the one guy from the second picture look like me on my Florida road trip? 

This was in the New York Post

I am all for free speech, and I think you should be able to make off color jokes, but this is a paper! I can't even defend this one, I can't imagine how they are spinning this as not racist. I mean I guess it is a tie in to the CT chimp attack?? Someone explain to me how this is not about killing the President?!?

Demolition of Shea Stadium

Courtesy of Metsblog.com 

This is a pretty crazy sight, but I guess you'd only care if you were a Mets fan. 

Awkward Elevator Talk

I was on the elevator yesterday, and I know this horse has been beaten to death by now, but elevator talk really annoys me. These days, everyone has some form of personal entertainment. You can listen to your iPod, read email on your phone, whatever. 

There is no need to establish that we both conceptually understand weather and seasonal patterns. Yes, it is true weird hispanic elevator guy, I hope it is not this cold in March too, and it is possible, and there have been cold March's in the past. You are also correct in your assessment that it could even be cold in April leading all the way up to Easter. This is all true, and I commend you for your understanding of seasons, but when you stepped on the elevator wearing your slick Corona jacket, and Barack Obama commemorative pin, I knew you were an intellectual. You did not have to prove it to me. 

I never understood banter about the weather. If you are going to address a stranger, at least make a bold move, take a leap of faith, and bring up sports, television or politics. At least your bold assumption should spark some interest. I would think, "Do I really look like a guy who cares about Nate Robinson winning the Slam Dunk Contest?"

Or better yet, maybe you should bring up the great moment in television history where Coach Hayden Fox was promoted to head coach of the Orlando Breakers. A position he worked hard for and earned right before our eyes on network television. Or the moment when Lisa Turtle and Screech Powers touched ours souls when they marched to victory in the Max dance off using the sprain. I know it makes no sense to bring these things up in a blog about talking to people in elevators, but that is exactly why it would make intriguing elevator conversation. So weird hispanic elevator guy, I anxiously await our in depth conversation on the career of Hayden Fox. 

Nadya Suleman: Holy Christ

Bla!

“Boyfriends? I think I’d have to be extremely selfish. I cannot maintain a social life and be a mother.”

This woman has 14 kids on welfare by artificial insemintation and she draws the line at having a boyfriend. Listen dummy, you passed the selfish line at kid two. Has there ever been a worse case of a woman abusing the system? I want to spit in her face, they should take away her kids and throw her on the streets. The government is already supporting the kids, and I don't think it is wrong to question her judgment and parenting skills at this point. This woman will probably make enough money off of her freak show to support the kids because that is how dumb and awful our country can be. Way to go America, I wish everyone would stop paying attention to this moron. 

Ben Affleck Writes Essay on Congo for Time Magazine

Kill me 

If someone asked me, "If any actor could write a public service article about a 3rd world country, who would you take least seriously?" 

Well my answer now exists. I guess Ben Affleck got bored, surprise, it sucks to live in Africa and no one knows about it but Ben Affleck in his infinite wisdom. Why can't he go back to being the dumb one from "Good Will Hunting." 

Goozex.com

I am a member of Goozex.com, and love it. A lot of people don't know what it is, so I will explain. Goozex.com is a company that allows you to trade used video games through a web application over the internet. What I find so cool about Goozex is their genius business model.

Goozex requires you to buy trade credits for $1 each which are used for each trade. When you trade one of your games you are rewarded with points that you then use on other games. The genius behind it, is all Goozex does is manage the points and trades. Shipping is taken care of by the traders. This puts Goozex at no risk, and since it is based on a points system they can easily guarantee any trade.

For instance, say you request a trade and someone sends you a game and it is lost in the mail. For a rental service like Gamefly, they send the games out, so they are out whatever the worth of the game is. With Goozex, all they have to do is credit everyone their points back and all is well. They can guarantee satisfaction because what they are really trading are non tangible points that can easily be replenished. This is a mind blowing concept to me and I am probably more in love with the idea than I should be, I just wish I thought of it first.

Assassin's Creed: How Torn I Am About This Game

I'd like to start this game assessment by saying that "Assassin's Creed" I believe deep down is one of the best games I have ever played in my life. With that said, I also have to admit that I understand why this game was considered a let down by a lot of game critics.

"Assassin's Creed" is far from perfect, but I think this is understandable as you play the game. The landscape is extremely huge and every piece of it is scalable by your character Altair. The fluidity and speed in which you move and climb your surroundings is amazing. One complaint I read a lot was that your character often gets confused and climbs structures in a way that is different than what you intended.

While this is true early on, once you master the control system, this happened very seldom to me. I think a lot of reviewers probably gave up too early, which is understandable because this is literally one of the most difficult game I have ever played in my life. Another complaint I often hear is about the realism of the game. This is true. When you are exposed as an assassin and have to escape pursuers you can jump into these small booths with curtains, and your pursuers will just pass by confused as to where you went. This is ridiculous, but to me it is nitpicking. At times it is so hard to get away from pursuers that if this wasn't an option I would kill myself in frustration.

Since I keep touching on it, this game is the ultimate example of the paradox every gamer comes across at some point. At what point does a game become so hard that the balance is broken and the game just becomes a bad game? "Assassin's Creed" really pushed the envelope in this respect. After the 5 hour mark, every single mission is extremely difficult to the point you want to curse and scream, but after every mission I felt myself compelled to play even more. This game put me in an odd place because I really can say that I have had an awful and stressful time playing this game, but every victory was so incredibly sweet. The story is so intricate and smart, and though the combat is a bit clunky, kills are so refreshing and fun, but beware you will find yourself replaying missions for hours as you master the art of the assassin and all it's quirks.

I am also writing this a bit premature because I am on the final scene now, but it was so frustrating that I almost threw my controller at the TV at one point. I feel as if my enemies are now real life enemies who refuse to die, and just thinking about this last mission is putting me into a panic. When I finally do beat this, there will be a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I'll keep you updated.

"Lost" promotes bad parenting

In the spirit of those who like to nitpick and protest entertainment, I figured I'd work in some new blogs where I do the same in an absurd and hopefully comical way. My first complaint will be the promotion of bad parenting on "Lost."

Let's start with Danielle Rousseau. I guess you give her the benefit of the doubt. She shows up with a tribe of people, they all go crazy and she had to kill them. This could leave a person a little shell shocked and careless. So you won't win parent of the year for losing your kid, but it happens. However, losing a kid isn't like losing the remote control. I think even if Danielle wandered the island aimlessly for he amount of years she was on the island, she should have found Alex by accident eventually. I get that the island is big, but seriously, half the time you see her on the show she is chillin and settin up traps.

Claire, seemingly just decided that her baby wasn't important because the island needed her, and left him behind. The first 3 and a half seasons we were forced to listen to screams of "My babbbbbbbbby" every time this dope misplaced her kid, then out of no where she decides, "Eh, Aaron isn't all that important." She is probably the biggest offender of bad parenting just judging by the amount of times she lost her dumb kid. Charlie may have seemed like a nut, but at least when he was trying to kidnap Aaron he had the good intention of baptizing him. Claire was the worst, and could possibly win worst parent on tv.

The last example worth going in depth into is Sun. Now, Sun has barely been a mom on the show so her bad parenting is only recently coming into focus, but she was actually the inspiration for this entry. While talking with a coworker about last weeks Lost, I realized that no matter what decision Sun makes regarding her child, her choice will be the epitome of bad parenting. If Sun chooses to go back to the island and leaves her baby behind, odds are she would never be back and much like Michael would be leaving her child for good with a grand parent. So unless the show is abruptly ending Sun is either going to take her child to a deadly island where there is likely no return, or leave her kid while she explores a deadly island where there is likely no return. What is up with these people? Am I a bad person because I would just let the people on the island stay there rather than return? I know Jin is on the island, but if you are a betting person, anyone on that island will probably end up dead. I'd say fuck it, but I guess I am glad they are idiots so the show continues.

Other examples of bad parenting include, Sawyer and his dad, Jack and Christian Shepard, Kate and her dad, and of course John Locke and his dad. I don't believe there is one case of good parenting on this show. Just something to think about out there. Let the protesting begin.

Best Harry Caray impression ever

Puts SNL to shame

Hat tip to Mets Blog who posted this from Braves Love (http://braveslove.blogspot.com)

America Comes through

After Mall Cop being #1 in America, I thought we were done as a civilization, but Americans rebound by not seeing "The Pink Panther 2". "The Pink Panther 2" finished #4 at the box office allowing me to sleep a little better tonight. I vow to raise smart aware children who will want to see good things.

Deli Selects Ham from Costco

I recently took a trip to Costco, and bought a double pack of ham, much like the ham pictured. On the front of the double pack it says "Enough for 15 Hearty Sandwiches." Have you ever heard something more ridiculous? Believe me Deli Selects, I have made 3 sandwiches that have left me hungry after 3 hours, and I am halfway through your meat. Don't act as if "Hearty" is a valid form of measurement. I don't even think this pack of meat would make "15 Hearty Sandwiches" in Zimbabwe. I will give you the benefit of the doubt and say that the pack of meat makes 5 "Hearty Sandwiches" at best, and 8 "Mediocre sandwiches." That is all for tonight. Ken man out!

The stupidity of America tested

UGH

I'd like to hope that people are not stupid enough to make this the #1 movie in America. This looks so painfully awful that I believe the American public will have no choice to wake up and boycott this from disgust. I bet the same people who are willing to boycott Kelloggs because Michael Phelps smoked some pot, will go see this piece of crap movie with their dumb kids. Anyone willing to watch this enragingly awful movie should grow up to be completely unsuccessful.

Bill Hicks banned set from the Late Show

I think this is relevant to post after my last post. It is a great example of a company buckling to sponsors and external pressure for no reason and this was 15 years ago! It has only gotten worse since, and this set is so absurdly unoffensive that it makes me infuriated. I actually think at least the late night shows wouldn't ban this today. We are more obsessed with race than religion and abortion now.

Anyway, enjoy.

Screw the kids!

I have been meaning to make this blog for about a month and a half now, after my good friend Dennis (of dmoneymaina.com) and I had a disagreement at a bar. It was brought back to my attention after a recent message board post at anicid.com regarding Michael Phelps being caught smoking weed.

About a month ago I read that 28 of the NFL teams instituted a policy where they would have a txt message number set up, so that if someone becomes drunk and loud you can report them, and have them kicked out from the stadium. This is somewhat understandable if not abused because drunk people can be dangerous if they get riled up enough, but my friend Dennis stated that kids should not have to see drunk people at football games.

I say screw the kids. "What about the children?", This is just something people say, and no one means. Do we really think this through? I feel like we live in a country of knee jerk preprogrammed reactions.

Violent video games. What about the kids?

Racial humor. What about the kids?

What ever happened to personal responsibility? Why are parents so afraid to take care of their on children?

Is it just me? I can't imagine a reasonable person text messaging an NFL team and telling on a drunk person. Are we really promoting becoming tattlers?

What is going to happen if your child sees a drunk person? I'll tell you what. Nothing. I can understand if a drunk person gets out of hand, and causes a real issue, but how often does that happen?

Michael Phelps got caught smoking weed. So what? Why is that a story? You know what it shows to me? That maybe the media tries to scare us about drugs and alcohol a little too much, and maybe it is not that dangerous. If a guy can set Olympic records I think we should lay off judging him.

Another problem are people who write companies boycotting their products. Usually some public figure such as Michael Phelps, or Don Imus gets into some dicey situation, and a small amount of people try to hurt them personally. In these situations I have never met a reasonable person who would write letters complaining. I have to assume that these babies are in the extreme minority yet usually companies react in a knee jerk manner and do the wrong thing. I believe Michael Phelps will probably skate just because of what a national hero he is, but guys like Don Imus weren't so lucky.

We have to worry about the children, so we can't make racial jokes, show nudity on tv, curse, or talk about sex. If children hear this, who knows how they will ever recover. We wonder why we are in so much trouble as a nation? I believe it is because we are so soft we cannot even be honest with ourselves. People drink, and use recreational drugs and live fine and normal lives. People make racially insensitive jokes that are hilarious. People curse and have sex. If your child asks about this, there is no need to panic, you just explain to them the situation in the most elementary way and their life should continue unaffected. Hey I am no parent. but I am pretty sure that is common sense. Stop the panic and think for yourselves and everything will be fine. It is time we take back a little self respect as a company and celebrate freedom, and not tattle on your neighbor.

The word progressive stinks

This blog entry is a long time in the making for me, since this has been a word that has made me want to kill the human race for over a year now. I am sick and tired of empty political words. Progressive. Let me break this word down, and explain just why it bugs me so much. The word progress is defined as follows:

1. Movement, as toward a goal; advance.
2. Development or growth: students who show progress.
3. Steady improvement, as of a society or civilization: a believer in human progress. See Synonyms at development.
4. A ceremonial journey made by a sovereign through his or her realm.

(courtesy http://www.thefreedictionary.com/)

My problem with the over use of the word progressive is that liberals took the word, and changed the word progressive to just mean liberal. So if you are debating politics, and someone says something like "At least Barack Obama is progressive", what they really mean is, "At least Barack Obama is liberal."

I have to say this isn't completely liberals doing. If you came up with a model for who isn't progressive it would be George W. Bush, so he set the table for anyone who doesn't believe in creationism to be labeled "progressive." However, most liberals I believe know what they are doing, and it is a pompous verbal jab at whoever they are conversating with.

This word is so pompous to me because by using "progressive" in the context of politics, it insinuates you understand the value and direction of the human race and know when you see progress! Is the human race really that intrinsically valuable where we view being nice to each other as progress? In the grand scheme of things, who cares how people treat other people. We are not important, and I think it is extremely pompous to think we are.

I also hear this used all the time in regards to Obama being open to alternate energy solutions. There is a huge energy problem right in our face! Again Bush was a giant dummy and ignored this, but I wouldn't call having common sense progressive. Anyway in conclusion, I think it is very progressive of me to think the president is not progressive. I am tired of the over use of this word, it has been stripped of all meaning at this point and now just means liberal.